What's old is new

Looking back on this polyphonic decade, it occurs to me that a balanced top-twenty song list should provide sufficient evidence with which to induce the necessary qualities of the greatest song ever.

This hypothesis depends on two suppositions, namely (1) that my choices aren't misjudged, wanky, or overly personal, and (2) that there is enough fragmented greatness suspended in the aughties' technicolour musical spew to warrant this sort of treasure hunt.

No matter. Commence blog gimmick!

20
"Fell in Love with a Girl"
White Stripes


The greatest song ever should sing to the hopelessly in love and the brokenhearted, in equal parts

Which is why the songwriter must NEVER refer to his love and/or partner in the present tense. It's got to be "FELL in love with", not "I'm IN love with", dear god, but Jack would never do that (or if he did, she would come home late at night with a bottle of rye having just murdered the milk man, etc.) Plus, announcements of love are best couched in bawdy pre/post/neo rockism, guitars ajangle. As such, you can sing along drunkenly either way, with tears of joy or endless sorrow leaking into your drink.

The greatest song ever needs a chorus refrain in wordless syllables.

Here, the Stripes favour "nah nah nah", which is an excellent choice (thank you John L), but there are lots of options, eg. "bah bah bah" (thank you Joey R)

19
"Weak Become Heroes"

The Streets

The greatest song ever should lyrically span at least five years of life

Preferably such that the narrator jolts out of a sodden stupor mid-song to discover that "five years went by, I'm older". Exactly. But that same piano loops over and over. Good thing that loop evokes miles of extinct brit house vinyl, trampled smooth and shiny by legions on e's. Like many parts of life, if it weren't so infectious, we might wish for it to stop.

Perhaps one of the few grimies to produce some truly memorable lines, The Streets put most of this them in this early track, slightly before Mike Skinner got rich and boring. Including one of my all time favourites: "Imagine the world's leaders on pills. And imagine the morning after!"

18
"Tunnels"

Arcade Fire

The greatest song ever must be a bildungsroman

See above. Five years is a minimum. It's no musical accident that they slathered Funeral all over the trailer for Where the Wild Things Are. The sell with that film was that it was going to tell the coming-of-age story like they do in this song: tunnels between bedroom windows, crying parents, eloping into the forest. What I once thought of as a twerpy immature warble from Win Butler is sounding awfully good five years later. Must be getting old and whimsical about being young. More on that below.

17
"Ms. Jackson"

Outkast

There will be no more than two drum voices

This was not a good decade for drummers. Shiva-armed Carter Beauford and his bromancer Dave Matthews got trampled by the rockists and The Neptunes around 2003. Notable mentions like Battles' John Stanier get props from several young men in their twenties, but they otherwise get relegated to the back of the stage and studio, well away from any rainbow-legging groupies. It's not really fair. There is a true exception in a man called ?uest, and truly I love him, however it bears mentioning that he is basically the ONLY hip hop drummer that has ever existed as far as most people are aware, and furthermore, he is able to mime a turntable deck while adjusting his headgear. Sometimes an artist's greatness is eclipsed by his awesomeness.

So Ms. Jackson has a kick and a snare, and the two hits repeat alternately again and again (forever ever?), and Outkast jump around them like football players doing that training thing with the tires. It's tireless, possibly timeless, and lo, they're saying really reasonable things about dealing with the responsibility of parenthood after divorce. AND they're talking about Eryka Badu, and--did you know?--the child in question is alive and well and his name is Seven. Which resonates with me particularly well, as that is my name transliterated into Thai. Which is why this song is the 17th best song of the decade.

16
"Losing my Edge"

LCD Soundsystem

There will be whinging about getting old

Which is a natural counterpoint to the coming-of-age requirement (I said at least five years). The trick is to do it in such a self-deprecating and youth-positive way as to not come off as stogy, and James Murphy nails it with "they're actually really nice". Fuck, exactly! I could hate so much easier if they didn't seem like better evolved versions of our younger social selves. The internet is apparently making the kids more annoying in writing, yet more congenial in person. Oh, to have their bionic minds.

I suppose adding a requirement about an amazing synth beat is too obvious, but have you heard the start of this song lately? Go ahead and play it, it's up there. This song made me wiggle in my seat a lot in around 2005, and it's still doing it. Still got the edge! Just can't stand up too fast anymore.

There will be shout outs

In moderation, in moderation. But, if the whinging old people are correct that all song prototypes have been written and now are only reproduced, then clearly the least we can do is drop more bibliographical references. Especially vintage references, like The Sonics, who Murphy shouts out three times. Way to show your age.