Most people think of me as a dull shut-in - the 21st century answer to a Trappist Monk or Emily Dickinson. But at even I need to leave my hovel and bask in the warm Vancouver sun with the proletariat. Today I went to the Virgin Mobile Festival to watch De La Soul, Jarvis Cocker, Sonic Youth, and Metric. We arrived just in time for De La playing Potholes In My Lawn to a remarkably apathetic crowd, even by Vancouver standards. But Pos and Dave One joked through it like the true professionals they are and brought some people in shrub costumes and a lady on stilts "dressed like a princess with a wand waving fire around." The video feed had a feed of text messages (sent by Virgin phones, presumably). Some observations about young white people: their spelling and grammar are atrocious, their taste in tattoos is often questionable, and when forced to make a choice between comfort and style, comfort will win out every single time. I was contemplating sending a text message explaining proper apostrophe usage (for the last time, "your" is a possessive, while "you're" is the contracted form of "you are". Get it together, texters of Vancouver! I saw some uses of "its" in those texts that would make your hair stand on end.)
Jarvis Cocker was awesome, despite his songs being almost exclusively from his most recent album. He climbed the scaffolding, danced around spastically, threw out candy and spoke french (prompting our French friend to brag "we've got him now!"). But during the Sonic Youth show, IT HAPPENED. I was lying on the grass when suddenly a couple meters of gangly bespectacled Brit descended upon me and my girlfriend. "Jarvis Cocker!" I eloquently blurted, and thrust my hand in his general direction. I may have also made some inarticulate allusion to how rocking I thought he was. He did not really break his stride or stop to chat, but we did briefly clasp hands, and I'll carry that with me forever.
Watching Jarvis watch Sonic Youth in a generally Homerpaloozaesque environment while fans stopped to say hi and get their pictures taken inspired me to think of what the most obnoxious things you could say to Jarvis Cocker would be. A short sampling:
"Do you feel that your mooning of Michael Jackson began the vicious cycle that eventually led to his death?"
"You may not be Jesus, but you do have the same initials."
"I love Song 2! Whoo-hoo! When I feel heavy metal! Girls who like boys who do boys like they're..."
"Could you get me some E?"
"I love your song Black Children Took My Life! I totally agree!"
"If fashion is your trade, then when you're naked, I guess that makes you unemployed. Think about it." (Who am I kidding - I'm sure that's exactly what I would have said if I had thought of it.)
"You think cunts are ruling the world? Are you calling Barack Obama a cunt?"
"Come to mingle with the common people, I see..."
"I love Wonderwall! Your show was like a champagne supernova in the sky! Walking slowly down the hall, faster than a cannonball! Whoo-hoo!"
I'll leave you with a video of Jarvis driving disastrously while dispensing romantic advice. I hope he marries me.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
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