The ancient Greeks were the first on record to envision the agon or conflict as the central feature of the narrative--the driver of action and drama. They believed that without conflict, narrative would devolve into mere diversion. It would have no spark, no essence. And while it may provide us with a few chuckles, we would be no better for the experience. We would be unchanged.
Call me a classicist or an anachronistic stick in the mud if you will, but I feel the demands we make of great literature should hold true for our contemporary entertainments as well. I expect catharsis in 140 characters. I want to bittorrent pathos and instant message closure. I demand my grainy, streamed video contain aspects of the sublime.
Now, I may be paraphrasing here, but to the best of my recollection, the great literary hitlist of conflict goes as follows:
Man versus jerkoff (man), man versus the IRS (society), man versus the man in the mirror (self), man versus werewolves (the supernatural), man versus terminators (machine/technology), and of course…
MAN…
VERSUS…
BEAST!!!
In 2003, the always high-minded Fox Television Network took the fundamental thematic principles of the Greeks and did them one better. With pomp, circumstance, and universal vitriol from critics and animal activists alike, Man Versus Beast was revealed.
Conceptualized as a one-hour special that would pit human champions (or in one spectacular instance, 44 little people) against their beastly counterparts in competitions (agons, if you will) of speed, brute strength, and my personal favourite—eating.
The show’s zenith involved two formidable competitors. In one corner stood 5 foot 8 inch, 125 pound, competitive eating legend, Takeru Kobayashi. And in the other, well, let’s allow official Man versus Beast announcer, Michael Buffer to make the call:
His opponent: the beast. He descends from Kodiak Island, Alaska. Fully erect, this beast stands over eight feet tall and weighs in tonight at 1089 pounds. He can digest over 60 pounds of food in a 24 hour period. He possesses the ultimate appetite for destruction! Meet the beast! The Alaskaaaaan Cruncher!!!
I defy you not to be entertained by the flash of uncertainty that crosses Kobayashi’s face when a giant Alaskan Kodiak bear enters the adjacent boxing ring. Clearly not even the electrical fencing put in place for his protection can provide him adequate peace of mind.
Never one to skimp on trappings, Fox produced the whole affair in a cavernous soundstage with American and Japanese flags ringside. That’s right, not only does that bear represent the Ursidae family, that bear represents America. High drama indeed.
As the contest rages, Kobayashi employs his famous Solomon method (splitting the frankfurters in half before swallowing them) while the bear paws great piles of hotdogs into his gaping maw. At one point, an awed commentator exclaims of the bear: “He doesn’t know it’s a competition, he’s just a natural eating machine!”
I won’t give away the ending for you but trust me, it’s worth the five minutes of your life.
For those of you whose minds are plagued by yet more stupid, but seemingly unanswerable, questions, there’s also:
A world class sprinter facing a giraffe, and then a zebra.
A sumo wrestler testing his strength against a large, female chimpanzee.
And, as promised, a dead heat to see who can pull a DC-10 commercial jet faster—forty-four little people or an Asian elephant.
We live in a world where this exists, people. Make of that what you will.
(Also: Shout out to Richie. I think I first heard about the show from him first. And, as a bonus, my actual favourite youtube vid.)
1 comments:
fuck the solomon method - what about the Kodiak method? just shove 'em in your mouth like they were Pocky.
I have to admit, perhaps guiltily, that I was thoroughly entertained. the whole affair has a modern circus-type bravado to it. and fakery - the sumo wrestler was clearly some hawaiian guy they hired to do the job.
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