Bye Bye, love

I'm under the gun with this topic. It's been a crazy week. To explain my haste, perhaps now is a good time to point out an important office rule at Today's Snow Job. We believe in currency. No, not the cheddar. We check that like food inspectors. I mean regular posting. Naturally, none of your faithful writers have ever been accused of being less than completely committed to keeping your gReader inbox filled with tasty work-stalling temptations, but we like to utilize cold threats in order to keep us in line. To that end, our rule is this: if one of us misses a week's response to the topic du semaine, our fellow staffers get to masquerade as the offending writer, and post whatever they please.

A fate worse than death: the tarnishing of an iReputation. And I'm about to be overdue on my post. Thus, herewith.

Fuck: Caroline Kennedy
It's so not cheating the question. As one of three nominees for Obama's actual veep-vetting team, she is a pivotal player in the HBO neo-soap that is the current phase of Decision '08. As such, she needs praise, she needs encouragement, she needs well-earned stress relief. I'm not saying that I personally am a just desert for all her efforts/needs; believe it or not, this game is largely hypothetical (if not entirely mastrubatory--though maybe Caroline and I can help each other out). Neither am I suggesting that Mr. busy-busy-interior-designer Schlossberg isn't performing his marital responsibilities regularly. Only that, given Sweet Caroline's tireless service to the Obama campaign machine, girl deserves some groupie lovin'. Is there--or has there ever been--a Pamela Des Barres of the American electoral parade? ("Interns," you say? Don't be silly, I have worked with interns and they are all nuns and monks.) This could be the ultimate field trip for the wayward, green, idealogically frustrated polisci grads of America. (Or Canada? Can one obtain a visa for deep-job-shadowing? If you ain't no retard, holla "we want green card!")

Ahem, anyway. I would make apologies for sharking vastly older women, except Shmuel has already (indirectly) admitted to lurking in the Today's Snowjob basement, fooling around with Mr. Angry Potato-Head. The gloves are off.

Marry: Wesley Clark
Having just attended a rocking wedding, I have nuptial thoughts on the brain (I also have a hangover on the brain; apologies in advance for typos/bad judgments). In contrast to the popular romantic notion of accepting your mate out of the factory with all of his/her attendant flaws, there exists the much more populist approach of hankering down to some serious post-marriage soulmate-improvement. Bring in the fixer-upper at a bargain (goes the argument), and you'll have an affectionate 'other for life.  Yes, Wes most likely banished himself from Obama's cabinet, let alone the VP ticket, with his incautious remarks on July 1st.  Yet, ladies, Wes remains a provisional catch, and with a little passive-aggressive badgering, he could be much better. He could, for example, try avoiding making gaffes in criticizing the other team's lack of real military experience and its irrelevance to the oval office. Clark, after all, is brimming with Tom Clancy-esque war stories--such as leading his company on in Vietnam after being capped four times with an AK-47--and ostensibly this experience could have lent some political heft to Obama's foreign policy positions. At least, they might have, if Clark was univocally against the Iraq Resolution, which he appears to not be sure about at all. Less flip-flopping, more soundbite-worthy responses in debates. As a fellow with purported professorial aspirations, it shouldn't be surprising to hear him respond to pointed yes-or-no questions with a grey response, but them media-jackals like to speak in binary. This is the digital age. Sweetie, clarify your position on authorized use of force! And don't chew with your mouth full!  Maybe, by 2016, I can take you out in public.

Kill: Evan Bayh
In an effort to provide some contrast to my peers' positions (and to attempt to cover up my incapacity to discuss this topic at their level), I'm leaving HRC out of this. To paraphrase David Plotz, "the number one problem with Clinton as VP is Bill. The second is Hillary." Exchange rank as you see fit. But look. As this goes to print, now that Shmuel's BFF is out of the race, Bayh for VP is being publicly bought at USD$7.8, twenty cents above the last Bill Richardson bid, but at less than half the going price for Hillary (I don't really understand that website, but I am intrigued). That makes him one preference below the first (mistake) for some quantity of armchair pundits who suck at poker. Furthermore, a DC blog points out that ObamaBayh08.com forwards to the Democratic Party's website (generally a smart move; Apple waited and had to buy iphone.com from Linksys at great expense; however other domain name combos with the names of other veep hopefuls have not been bought or forwarded). Yet, the man is clinically deceased. He's an incarnate monotone. His soul is monotone. He makes flat-fingered gesticulations with alternating hands every 4.7 seconds. He should be narrating relaxation tapes. His voice makes me want to be buoyant in a calm, flat pool. He's like a documentary about sand. He's like a Bergman film, only not as funny.

Bayh-Bayh, love.  If I'm not fired for any of the above, I'll be back later in the week.

Regulators, Veep Vetters, mount up!

“But you can't be any geek off the street, gotta be handy with the steel if you know what I mean, earn your keep!”

- Warren G (Not Harding), Regulate

It’s been a bad month for veep vetters.

Earlier in June, the man in charge of vetting Barack Obama’s Vice Presidential choices, Washington insider’s insider Jim Johnson, got the ol’ heave-ho. Roundly criticized for receiving two million dollars in questionable loans from Countrywide Financial, a mortgage company that’s been accused (by Obama, among others) of being at the center of the sub-prime mortgage crisis.

Stating that he would never, ever, ever dream of “distracting attention from [the] historic effort," Jimmy boy stepped aside leaving a chasm as large as Unity, New Hampshire in his wake.

That’s where your clean-pocketed Today’s Snow Job team steps to the fore. We’ve come forward to offer our sterling picks for Obama’s Numero Dos for your appraisal. In return, we expect nothing more than medium to large-sized low interest loans. So, if you have me in mind, Countrywide, Ameritrust, keep in mind that prices for Strathcona townhouses are only going up…

I suppose it’s worth pointing out that, in the long run, Johnson’s firing may ultimately be a plus for the Obama campaign. After all, he was the point man when Mondale foolishly picked Geraldine Ferraro as his running mate, prompting Wu-Tang rapper Gza to furnish us with the line: “Geraldine Ferraro, who’s full of sorrow, cuz the ho didn’t win, but the sun will still come out tomorrow.”

So, with sunny days in mind, let’s get down to it.

First off, the art and science of the thing. There’s no unified theory of veep vetting. Other than the resounding lack of scandals like the one ended Jim Johnson, there are a number of proposed qualities a fine vice presidential nominee may, or may not, have. In no particular order:

1. They should bring you swing states (The potential biggies this time out: Ohio, Michigan, Florida. Nevada, Wisconsin, Colorado and, of course, Puerto Rico.)
2. They should be a ranking member of your father’s secret, world domination-minded cabal who will help to craft your every statement and action (ie. Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney).
3. They should be your ideological soulmate–the Yin to your Yang, the Tubbs to your Crockett, the Stringer to your Avon, the Ashley to your Mary-Kate. (Semi-surprisingly, Al Gore)
4. Failing the above, they should fill in the gaps in your own resume/ideology/persona. You’re a man, they’re a woman. You’re from a northern state, they’re from the south. You’re inexperienced, they’ve been in the senate for a billion years. You like dudes, they like chicks. (Ie: Hannibal Hamlin, Lincoln’s #2)
5. If lacking in these other, more appealing traits, they should at least be endowed with such a paucity of mental competence that they make you look like a MENSA member by comparison (ie. James Danforth “Dan” Quayle.)

The problem with the last quality is that it necessarily entails a failure to reassure the people that in the event of your untimely demise a suitable second will be able to step in. In Quayle’s case, it led to an opposition ad campaign entitled: “Quayle, only a heartbeat away.” And yet, this is the catch-22 of the VP position: You have to be worthy enough to bring votes and reassurance, and yet also be enough of a lame-duck long shot that you don’t outshine the head of the ticket. Journalist Lance Morrow put in succinctly when he said, “The presidential nominee always says the person he has selected to be his running mate is the American ‘best qualified to take over in the White House in the event of my death.’ That is a ceremonial lie.”

The truth of the matter is that the selection of a vice-presidential nominee is a political, rather than quantitative, question; an attempt to guess which significant other will augment your own turn in the spotlight to the extent that you can walk home with November’s beauty prize in hand.

With that in mind and no further ado:

Fuck: Joe Biden

At first blush, Joe “Biddy Bone” Biden is all that you’d want in a veep and more. He ‘s got the wealth of legislative and foreign policy experience that Obama lacks. He’s both clean and articulate. He’s fair and from Delaware. And, most importantly, he is indisputably thugged out.

Unfortunately, Joe is a little too thugged out. His penchant for shooting verbal nine millies from the hip has led him down dark alleyways far too often for comfort. Most notably, when he said of Obama:

I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy… I mean, that’s a storybook, man.

As one blogger so aptly put it:

Our point, if we have one, is this: Joe Biden's comments are crazy ill in the worst way possible. Joe Biden says dumb shit on the regular, but this is above and beyond in several regards. But Joe Biden is a major American political figure with crazy foreign-policy intellect who likes to say insane things on the regular.

So this press remains open.

Kill: Isn’t it obvious?

It shouldn’t take Obama more than a cocaine heartbeat to decide that Hillary shouldn’t be a bullet away from the presidency.

Marry: Straight Talk-Era John McCain

He’s got a post-partisan record and oodles of experience. He served in the military. He’s adored by the national media, yet still falls short of the Guitar Hero level props that Obama gets. He’s conservative, but not too conservative… What more can you ask for?

For high hilarity, this is a move would be on par with Hillary offering Barack the nomination while he was trouncing her in the primaries. They’ll never expect it…

I’m being facetious, of course. I absolutely respect the man. He’s earned it. I think he’s a generally stand-up human being. Unfortunately, he also came out of the Vietnamese prison camps with his own particular and, I think, incorrect vision of how American foreign power should be used.

And he’s old. Boo.

As for who Obama should actually choose as his vice president…

(shrug)

Kathleen Sebelius?

I don’t have the foggiest.

In the end, elections can be lost, but not won on these decisions. That’s probably why America has such an uninspiring roster of VPs to begin with. I have to side with "Cactus Jack" Garner of Texas, F.D.R.'s Vice President, who infamously said that the vice presidency was,

"Not worth a pitcher of warm piss."