A Top Ten List
If you don't publish a Top Ten List of what you believe to be the best Movies or Books or Albums or TV Shows or Celebrities or Dead Celebrities or Reality-Show-Moments of 2013 then you might as well just kill yourself.
"But it's too much pressure," I hear you whine. "Who am I to write a definitive list encompassing the year's finest content?" Look, if you think that without a list you're gonna manage to get Sarah or Brandon or whoever the fuck you're secretly pining for on social media to comment with something like "Great choices! we shud totes go to their concert/watch the oscars together/get our smooch on during the commercial breaks of the next ep of that TV show ;)"? Ha! You got another thing coming, pal. Top Ten List or Die, motherfucker.
Now you may say, "Wait, shouldn't we wait til January, aka the actual end of the year, before passing judgement on the cultural output of the past twelve months?" To that I say, "Bah!" If you'd like to release your oh-so-fair-and-noble cultural critique in mid January and have no one read it because of the acute case of "Top Ten List Fatigue" we'll all be suffering from at that point, then by all means, be my guest. Top Ten Lists, much like their seasonal contemporaries Christmas commercials, are in an arms race that requires them to come out earlier and earlier in order to preempt the inevitable and impenetrable cynicism that our society succumbs to after being exposed to anything for more than ten days. So anyway, what I'm trying to say is list early, list often.
"But Amitai, what am I gonna put on my list? What if I put dumb stuff on there and then Sarah/Brandon reads it and doesn't wanna smooch?" Ok, first of all, I really need to stop writing such insecure hypothetical characters, but second, why don't you just shut up and read my Template List (or "Templist," if you will) and see if you can't find the inspiration to write your own way inside the mouth of Sarah and/or Brandon (guys it's 2013, sexuality is fluid).
My list doesn't restrict itself to any one artistic medium. So that should help you in case you want to do a list of something weird, like "Top Ten Plays of 2013." Also, the following are just my individual opinions. Please don't take them too seriously...or even seriously at all.
Many people think that the number 1 spot has the most pressure behind it. But they'd be wrong. It's 10. If you put a shitty pick here then people will stop reading, or worse, keep reading but with a disdainful prejudice against everything you say from here on in. So for your Number Ten Pick you must choose:
Non-Single Track Off A Critically and Commercially Successful Album, Preferably From A Fresh, Breakout Star. This sets the tone of your list as accessible but not obvious. A "breakout" is preferable because hopefully you get in before the inevitable hipster backlash that seems to occur whenever something has wide appeal. And the deeper the cut, the better. It could even be a bonus track, or something off a mixtape they dropped 8 months before their album. It also proves you're a more serious fan than your readers (who likely only know the radio hits) thus earning the superiority that's required to write a list of your dumb opinions and then expect your friends to read it.
Examples: some unreleased Lorde track, a song by someone no one's ever heard of but that heavily features Janelle Monae, something from the first Chance the Rapper tape.
Now the pressure has let off a bit. Now you can show them some personality. Just kidding! The heavy rain of judgement still pours. You need to play it safe with...
Critically Acclaimed Movie/Album That Everyone Expects To Be On Every List But You Didn't Like That Much But Can't Clearly Articulate Why So You're Including It Out Of A Fear Of Losing Credibility. You don't want to make your list irrelevant just because you thought Gravity was "Ok. I guess." Or say, you wouldn't want to seem racist for not including 12 Years a Slave, even though you thought Pauls Giamatti and Dano kinda over-acted.
Examples: Gravity, obvs (but wtf is wrong with you if you didn't like Gravity?), Daft Punk, Random Access Memories...what? you thought I'd suggest 12 Years? Fuck you, I thought it was perfect, you racist.
Now you can get a little weirder. But still never relinquish your elitism. Otherwise the reader will realize you have no more authority on the matter than they do and they'll stop reading your list and go check out the Pitchfork one. Or worse, they'll start writing their own. And then you'll have to pretend to be interested in their dumb opinions.
Insanely Obscure Performance That Literally May Have Only Been Seen By You. Maybe this was a poorly attended Fringe Festival show. Maybe it was some warehouse performance art that your ultra-hip-cousin-from-
Examples: Vladislav Miladovich Fslikhthryl's "19827464", Homeless dude with a harmonica in the alley behind my building.
(Also, if you're gonna make someone up, and feel free to do so, make sure their name is hard to google.)
This is the perfect spot for...
Album That You Loved So Much And On Such An Intimate And Personal Level That You Have To Hide It At Number 7 (even though it's totally number 1) Because You're Afraid Of Being Honest About That Much Vulnerability. Maybe this album was playing the first time you laid eyes on Sarah/Brandon when they walked into that party at your friend Rick's apartment, wearing that cool green jacket that they've had for years and always looks great on them no matter how they style their hair (according to the seven years of Facebook pics you've perved). Maybe you had this album playing on your headphones while your parents thought you were sleeping in the backseat and you heard your dad say to your mom (over the dulcet tones of pick 7) that he's really proud of you. Maybe it helped you get through a bad breakup. Frankly, nobody gives a shit. No one will care about this album as much as you do. So hide it. Here. In the most gloss-overable part of the list. And keep the blurb short. And be flippant. And don't you dare even hint at the true fucking love you feel for these magically arranged notes and words. What if someone comments something mean about this pick? Or not even mean, just not nice enough? Better to just fly under the radar. Maybe you shouldn't even include it at all. But then would this list actually have any real meaning? Can't you exercise even the tiniest bit of covert integrity? Ok...include it, but be cool. Swallow your feelings. Don't let anyone in. I mean, unless you actually have the emotional maturity to openly articulate vulnerability. But then you probably don't have to write this Top Ten list for approval.
Examples: (Ha, yeah right, I'm not not giving any examples. Not even facetiously.)
Before we get into your top half you better get this out of the way...
Critically Acclaimed Movie/Album That Everyone Expects To Be On Every List That You Liked Exactly How Much You Were Expected To Like And Thus Earning A Somewhat Boring Spot. Yeah, it was great. But obviously it would be. It was made by a great director/musician. It had a compelling, if not super original story/sound. It was great. Whoop-dee-doo. Don't waste too much time with this one. They key to great art is the same as the key to a great top ten list: subvert expectations. And this pick ain't doing that.
Examples: Inside Llewyn Davis maybe? Yeezus arguably? Arcade Fire's Reflektor probably?
Get this out of the way too...
Lesser Work From An Artist Whose Career You've Loved Dearly So You've Granted Them A Legacy Spot. This is an classic accolade move. The Oscars do this constantly (Scorsese for The Departed, the third LoTR for the first two, Training Day Denzel for...fucking everything) and so should you! Cause it's all completely arbitrary anyways! It's just a petty distraction from our own mortality! Do you really think, on your deathbed, you're gonna remember that in 2013 you over-rated the new Cormac McCarthy novel? Remember, the point of these lists is to align yourself with cool artists so that you don’t have to drudge through the awful task of cultivating an actual personality.
Examples: Magna Carta Holy Grail, last year's The Master, is there a shitty, new Cormac McCarthy novel? If so, then that.
Ok, enough semi-honesty. Now it's time to get into the cold, calculated picks.
Hyper-Popular Tween Band/Movie That You Swear You Have A Compelling Reason For Liking. Sure, you'll admit that Harry sucks, but Zayn is actually really talented. Like seriously, he used to be in this crazy, jazz-punk-fusion band and he even played sax and guitar and would get so fucked up at their shows he once crowd-surfed naked. Look, we’re well aware the books were super lame but the third Twilight movie is actually a really subtle and complex metaphor for existentialism and totally mirrors all of Jean-Paul Sartre's early work. Of course Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted was just a dumb kids movie, but they used this groundbreaking animation technique that's, like, 100 times more revolutionary to 3D film making than Avatar. Prepare to write a lot for this one. You're gonna have to convert some atheists. You're gonna have to win some hearts and minds. But if you can pull this one off, oh man, you'll get some mad cool points. Everyone'll be all like "OMG, s/he totally doesn't disregard something just because it's not aimed at her/his demographic and widely considered to suck. S/he must be so open minded. Like the fucking Dalai Lama or something."
Examples: Hunger Games (angle: the meta parallel between the "anti"-establishment narrative arcs of Katniss and JLaw), Avril Lavigne (angle: the guitarist she used in studio used to play with Prince and you can really hear the funk if you listen carefully...this one is totally invented, but you get the idea.)
Album/Movie That Came Out Last January And Everyone Forgot About. "Oh shit! That was from 2013? Man, that was a good Album/Movie." If you pick a fine enough piece of 11-month old content then you might even be able to get a reader or two to look up the exact release date. That's the goal with this pick: to waste your reader's time. Actually, that’s the goal with every pick.
Examples: Zero Dark Thirty...look it up. I dare you.
Number two with a bullet! (You should always make sure to incorporate the phrase "...with a bullet!" in your list at some point. No list is complete without it.)
Decent Album From A Genre That Is In Stark Contrast To What People Expect You To Listen To. Say you're an extremely polite, shy, quiet, vegan white girl and your whole list so far has been acoustic singer/songwriters then this pick should probably either be some straight up fucking gangsta rap or some death metal. If you're all prison tats, shaved head and black cargo pants, your pick should probably be Haim. The key to this pick (and as mentioned above, the key to all great TTL's) is subversion of expectation. Set 'em up. And knock 'em down. You're fucking complicated. You contain multitudes. "Huh...full of surprises..." you can hear Sarah/Brendan mutter to themselves as they read this pick and rub their nipple. Also, this pick should be at least a half-way decent album so that its intent doesn't get confused with pick 4. You shouldn't have to defend this one. Just sit back and listen to the sweet subtle sound of everyone's paradigms shifting.
Examples: For myself I’d probably have to pick some sort of country music. But not like Blake Shelton or Toby Keith. It would have to be someone that hasn't crossed over at all. Someone I’ve never actually heard of. Maybe one of these guys?...or I'd just make it a movie and pick Frozen.
Now, I know you're probably feeling that pressure again. Jesus, the number one pick. This has to be the BEST fucking thing of the year. I mean, if you screw this up...But shhh. Just relax. This pick hardly matters. No one will probably probably read to this point. Heck, I'm surprised you did. Seriously. What time is it right now? Shouldn't you be at work? Or sleeping? This really is a profound waste of time. But anyways, while we're here, we might as well...
Whatever Appears Most Often Between Numbers 5-3 On Everyone Else's Lists. Don't be a hero. Just do a quick scan of what the blogosphere ranks high (but not too high--you still want it to pass as an original thought) and just put it in. You can even plagiarize their blurbs. Just hype it up a bit. They wrote a 4th place blurb, but with the addition of some flowery language and a few superlative adjectives, you'll have your #1 butterfly bursting from your #4 cocoon in no time.
Examples: Probably Beyonce, right? Or, like, Wolf of Wall Street? Jesus, who the fuck cares at this point?
So you've finally finished your original, surprising, and deeply incisive Top Ten List of 2013. How does it feel? Still pretty empty inside? Ya, I know. That's how most self indulgent activities feel. But just wait. Because the way we define ourselves in this cultural post-scarcity is by what we consume. In the words of Nick Hornby (the OG of TTL-making), “What really matters is what you like, not what you are like.” And once those Facebook likes and Twitter faves start rolling in you’ll feel vindicated. At least for a little while. Hell, if Sarah/Brandon like/fave it then you'll be good for months. And by then, you'll be ready to start writing your 2014 list.
